Post by harsha on Jan 24, 2004 8:47:42 GMT -5
New rules for employment
Sickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done enough.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at
least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady and her baby
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and
then her baby, and then screams, "Ahhh! That's the ugliest child I've ever
seen in my life!".
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit
down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks: "Are you ok,
dear?"
The lady replies: "I am so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of
your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I am going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're
going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding?He will be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I am the groom."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually
increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he
can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is
almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll
let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a
cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give
her back!"
Sickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done enough.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at
least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady and her baby
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and
then her baby, and then screams, "Ahhh! That's the ugliest child I've ever
seen in my life!".
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit
down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks: "Are you ok,
dear?"
The lady replies: "I am so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of
your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I am going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're
going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding?He will be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I am the groom."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually
increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he
can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is
almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll
let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a
cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give
her back!"